#what do you mean YOU would feel lucky
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ok someone please correct me if i'm wrong but am i weird for thinking those 'audiobooks don't count as reading' posts are ableist as fuck????
#ramble#my first thought was like: how is this even a debate what about blind people. not every book comes in braille but MOST have an audiobook#or dyslexic people#you still enjoyed the book!! you still absorbed it!!! you got EXACTLY the same thing as people who read the words!!!#how does it not count????#i guess you miss out on the 'learning new vocab' you get through seeing the words but also#i don't really do audiobooks but i do a lot of podcasts esp fiction podcasts#and i have ABSOLUTELY picked up new stuff from there that helps with my writing#someone please explain how this is even an argument of COURSE it counts????#idk in my opinion finishing a book means 'i put the words in my brain and i thought about them and i enjoyed a story'#not 'i held a stack of paper in my hands for a bit'#i'm v lucky that i do have time to sit and read. and whenever i commute anywhere it's public transport so i CAN bring a book with me#but if i didn't have the free time or had to drive for hours everywhere i would be STOKED to still get to enjoy books#it's been REALLY bothering me lmao idk why i feel so strongly#for some reason it's giving the same energy as like. being told you can't take a comic or manga from the library bc it's not a 'real' book#of course it's a real book it's a story somebody wrote down#i can see this spiralling into 'if you have a kindle you aren't reading'. you have to sniff the paper. feel the papercuts
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kacchan really is so funny for being like BUT WHAT ABOUT BAKUDEKU CANON when he finds out izuku is quirkless
#bakudeku#bkdk#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#mha leaks#he really is like WHAT ABOUT US#WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE BEEN THROUGH#izuku is such a Gabriella too he DO be running away from his feelings every chance he gets#what about US IZUKU WHAT ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE#WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MANGA IF WE ARENT MARRIED#and Izuku is like oh no my baby is on too many painkillers hahaha he’s not proposing to me right now that’s silly#if he was proposing that would mean he loved me and I can’t accept that reality I’m too much of a burden#I can’t think of myself long enough to realize I am valued#two months ago Izuku was like :) I’m so blessed kacchan talks to me almost normally#how is he supposed to process he was just proposed to by that same boy#like he’s also just gone through almost losing him he’s probably like I’m lucky he’s alive and breathing near me#and kacchan’s like I LOVE YOU I WANT YOU FOREVER#Izuku is overwhelmed ok give him some slack
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something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
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"but you see......this is where my story ends."
"then, let's start it―― right now! your next story!"
as if you're opening a present every second.
as if i'm searching for a star that's still unknown to anyone. 🎪
#mellohi draws stuff#emu otori#project sekai#prsk#pjsk#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#otori emu#emu ootori#ootori emu#our happy ending#kirapipi kirapika#who up happying they ending (it is tomorrow)#are you ready to DIE wonderlands x showtime#kirapipi kirapika actually means so so much to me to say it's the best would be an understatement it's perfect this event is perfect#oh my god oh my god#THEY COMISSIONED NYANYANNYA OF NAMARI HIME FAME TO MAKE A SONG FOR EMU OTORI#LIKE WHAT. WHAT. COLOPAL ARE YOU STUPID.#he literally tuned meiko for both versions of the song you can tell it's the exact same#i was NOT expecting vocaloid6 ohh my god nyanyannya you crazy son of a bitch#also kirapipi kirapika came out on my birthday like waow thank you colopal for the birthday present what if i gave myself a lobotomy#I HATE OUR HAPPY ENDING I HOPE WONDERLANDS X SHOWTIME EXPLODE#sorry the demons BUT LIKE#UEUEUEUEUEUEU#ue ue ue (sound of crying)#feels bad that i can't spend my entire 60k crystals on this event since i'm only doing like one maybe two pulls#but third anniversary is around the corner and i need a failsafe for tsukasa's card#like if i save up between their releases and get lucky with it then maybe i can get most tsukasa cards in game#this might end horribly but there's like two-three months between each so if i really put my mind to it i can achieve greatness#reruns might throw me off but it's fiiine so long as i get like knightkasa and lilykasa
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Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?
actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.
my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.
#sci speaks#i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me.#i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men.#i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring.#also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life.#this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed.#lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??”#���why are you together??????????”#i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror.#i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better.#the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified#but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships.#just an observation.#i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but.#of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does.#it makes a difference. it does.#which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body”#im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me.#i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have.#my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here.#sorry this went off on a tangent.#but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues.#i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous.#i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got.#once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that!#couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.
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"But why would Sonic still be friends with them why wouldn’t he denounce them or treat them like the villains they are? Why won't he realize they're just evil?"
First of all, has it perhaps occured to you that Sonic loves/cares for them no matter what they do and doesn't want to hurt them if he doesn't have to? Has it perhaps occurred to you that he doesn't see them like irredeemable villains and it's not because he's a dumb dumb idiot?
Second of all, haha keep talking and I'm gonna unroll my character analysis essay. "They're just evil" yeah that's rich. Bet you thought the ending of the series was about "redeeming" them too, huh?
#sondread#sonine#sonic prime#sonic the hedgehog#knuckles the dread#nine the fox#I'm gonna be a prime sonic defender forever at this rate#Anyways I channeled the me from between seasons 2 and 3 who was frustrated at seeing the stuff people were saying about my favs#Prime Sonic somehow seems to compel people to start foam at the mouth as they call him stupid and deride him for being hopeful and seeing#the good and people#and then somehow the people who are willing to be okay about Prime Sonic's tendency to try to save everyone and towards self sacrifice#can only believe it as long as sonic stupidly and naively believes his beloved friends are good people as these 'friends' so skillfully#manipulate him#Then when Sonic sees them at their worst canonically those people start foaming at the mouth when he doesn't instantly denounce or try to#imprison/kill these characters#It makes me less frustrated when it comes to Dread because I can get what people are seeing and unfortunately whatever talk transpired#between Sonic leaving the yoke in s3 and everyone else coming to fight Nine happened offscreen#You do have to dig at least slightly beyond surface level interpretation to get the reading that Dread is more than just an evil guy who was#pretending to not be#(although I would have thought how he originally tried to save his crew from experiencing him at his worst by keeping himself away from his#obsession would mean something but I digress)#With Nine to believe that he's always just been evil and manipulative to Sonic so he could backstab him you quite literally have to ignore#everything we see across the whole series and the feelings that come through in the final episodes of seasons 2 and 3#and ONLY believe that what Renegade and Shadow say about Nine (and the chaos council in s3) is canon#And yes I do think that if you thought S3 was about redeeming certain characters so the ending could be happy go lucky then you are missing#the point of what Sonic Prime tried to say and of Sonic’s own philosophy#I daresay you missed the point of some of these characters as well if you think their arcs are about how they end with them redeeming#themselves so they can become good people and therefore deserve life and a home#fandom wank#i just be ramblin
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just got a blazed sonadow post on my dash that was actually such a jumpscare
#briefly scanned through some of the persons blog out of curiosity. wont namedrop them because i dont want any hate going to them#some of their posts were fine they were correcting like actual misinformation that gets spread around which is fair#but they also had a bunch of long ass essays about how so/nadow is actually canon/will be canon#or how certain sega employees are corrupt and pushing an anti so/nadow agenda even though theyre supposed to be in love ????#(also their evidence for the so called corruption was just random joke posts that had nothing to do with so/nadow..?)#man this stuff is crazyyy. i have nothing against the ship itself. i dont think its baseless and i do like it when its portrayed correctly#but if you actually think like that i think you are too obsessed with the ship and letting it warp your perceptions of things#some people (especially a lot of so/nadow fans for some reason)#desperately need a reminder that just because they like a ship doesnt mean its gonna become canon#or that just because they choose to view an interaction romantically#doesnt mean that the writers are purposefully giving secret hints that those characters are actually in love#also Idk why anybody would even feel the need to blaze this stuff#its most likely gonna get shown to people who dont care. its just a lucky coincidence that im a sonic fan who got shown it#whatever happened to just shipping stuff for fun without the expectation that its gonna be canon#or feeling the need to fight for your life that its secretly canon#what are we doing here#honestly if you like any sonic ship in an '' i want it to be canon''/''think that it is canon'' sort of way youre doing it wrong LMAO
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YOOOOOO dude I used to follow you on DeviantArt years ago!!! I bailed when stuff started going to shit so I’m super glad to have found you again! Man, Twin Shadows is still in the top 5 of my favorite comics literally ever, including non-fanfiction. I still think about the way you depicted fire in it - so so so so cool. Even now, having not looked at it in years, I can vividly picture the movement of it and all the emotion it held. Can’t wait to catch up on your newer stuff too!
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT I'M
FJADKLFJDSKAJFKDLAS?!?!
DUDE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY WHAT AJFKDSLAJFDSA THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH!!!
#that seriously means a ton#HUGS THROUGH THE COMPUTER#I'm afdsafdsafsfdafs#I'm honored that Twin Shadows connected with you like that#it makes me feel so incredibly lucky#when you get dogpiled it's easy to feel like an entire fandom hates you#it's always amazing to realize that a lot of people either sided with you or didn't give a flying fuck about the discourse—#—and only stayed quiet for their own safety or peace of mind#I'm still shocked that people want me to do a reprint like WHAT#how wild would it be if Twin Shadows sales were what helped me make rent through a legal battle with my publisher afdsafdsafaf
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Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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You can’t ask me to chose between the two! Maybe in this world they’re twins? Or one of them is one of the many OZZ’s sisters. Please let’s recycle instead of throw out. (Mostly joking btw, you do you!)
They are two parts of the same whole…a universal contradiction…in one universe the comic continues with green, and in another the comic continues with red.
But yeah, I think my will is being tested a bit; the green and red campaigning has been persuasive B,*)
#ask#ouyang zizhen#red vs green saga#for posterity’s sake I’m gonna tag it#I mean it when I say I love them both! The community reactions have been wonderful to watch though#Whatever happens i just hope to make it funny#one will be oyzz and the other shall be The Nameless Diciple.#it would be cute if they were twins. Or besties.#it also makes whats about to come for them a lot worse B*(#I JEST#also no worries on sending me asks like this; I’m always happy to listen to feedback and change course if needed#but I also know people want me to do what I want to in the end#I really can’t emphasize how lucky I feel to have been adopted by you all#im so sorry im 2+ months behind on 90% of asks. My megareply is coming soon
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂
#idk what i'm trying to say#but 17 year old me found you when my life was in ruin#and then 🤍🫂 you picked me up and put me on my feet... 😞💗‼️ and i... i am lucky to have you in my life ...#i wouldn't be the same without you...#no i mean.. i wouldn't even be here without you#😞 i know that for sure ... like without a doubt#that part of my life was ... bad 👍#sitting on that train after being assaulted the first time and feeling like it was over like i was going to kill myself and then#all i heard was chans voice saying 'blessings wait for you'#and 😞 it felt like the first hug id had in ages... like someone had held me and told me it would be ok 😞💗#idk ... kinda presumptive to say i owe them my life but... 🫂 i wouldn't be here without them#that much is for damn sure ...#so to see them come this far ... do so much#🥺 the pride in my heart is beyond overwhelming#being here since they were nugu losers 😭💗🫶 GOD I LOVE UUUU MY SKZ!!!!!#i don't know how much more i can say it........ i so incredibly love you 😞🤍💗#god i'm so proud#i hope chan knows 😭🫶💗🥺 with every fucking fibre in my being that i'm always ALWAYS cheering him on 😞 that he deserved this so infinitely#god i fucking love him 😭‼️ my darling boy.........#:( my skz fr...#li.txt
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as a writer how do you stop thinking about like getting kudos/comments? I've just started writing fanfic, and when I start a writing something -- it goes well and then eventually I get to point where I'm like "ahh but what the readers don't like that? or what if I don't get as many kudos or comments" and it makes it difficult to continue because then it becomes stressful -- I guess how do you deal with "wanting to write stuff for yourself" and "wanting validation" thanks!
You're going to hate this answer, because I hated it too, but TIME. When you first start writing and you get kudos and comments and people love what you're doing, it's a huge validation of your effort and talent, and it's natural that you want MORE of it. When I first started putting up fics I already had been writing for 15+ years, knew I was good at it, and still for a good few years found myself really glued to the hit counter, and the kudos, and wondering how I'd be able to get people to comment the same way they did on things like Seven Suitors.
But the thing is that commenting comes and goes in waves, and unless a fandom has a big comment culture, or is large enough that you're guaranteed a good glut of them every time you post...you're going to hit a point where you write exactly what everyone wants and get crickets. And at that point you'll get ANNOYED, because LOOK, I MADE THIS, i made it for YOU GUYS, and now y'all don't have anything to say? It'll get to you. It'll make you doubt that you know what anyone wants at all. It'll happen and it'll suck the whole time.
Lots of advice will say "write for yourself," which is an excellent sentiment. You should always write what YOU want. Put into your fic what you want to see, write the nitpicky poetic metaphors and craft the most screwball twists your heart desires. Pour yourself into the most niche AUs and most tin-hat canon theories. At the end of the day, you want the IDEAS you put down to be for you, because comments and kudos are nice, but if they don't come...you have to be proud of what you put out, even when it feels like an echo chamber.
But also...we don't POST things for ourselves. We post things to share. Fic are a conversation with canon and it is perfectly natural to want to create something that creates conversation among other fans. So you're never going to fully get the need for validation out of your head, you're not. You can hide hit counts and ignore your inbox all you like, but the want to have someone interact with your work, to inspire someone to reach out to you will ALWAYS be there. You just have to create a healthier relationship with it.
Be confident in what you write. Think less about whether people will like it, and more about how you WANT them to react. The reader is the most important character in any novel, but it's the one most authors forget to manage. When you come to a point where you go "oh man, I hope this is good for them!" stop and go, "what do I *want* them to be feeling here?" Focus on where you're putting their attention and whether you WANT it there. There's so much you can do when you visualize your relationship with the reader as PART of the work, and it takes off a lot of the pressure of "is this good? is it disappointing? will this get me validation?" and brings it back into the realm of storytelling. You are taking your reader on a journey, and when you do it well people will think less about "did I like that?" and more about "what comes next?"
#asks#writing advice#writing#please understand nonnie that what you are feeling is completely natural and part of the process#and shades of that will stick with you no matter how good you get#but the thing you want to keep in the center of your mind when it comes to that#is that you can only get kudos once on a fic and you are lucky to get a 1:100 comment vs hits ratio#so the instant validation WILL dry up and you'll have to have something about your story#that makes you push through. because people will come back and comment!#people will blow through 50+ chapter and leave you the most emotionally hungover review promising you their first borns#but sometimes you will have written a good third of them with NO feedback whatsoever#and you just have to trust in yourself that it's good. it's FINE#i used to obsessively check hits and be really put out to see how many people were coming and not commenting#especially when i wrote really emotionally driven stuff and really tore myself up to get those feelings through#but i also would have been miserable only writing fluffy 1 or 2 shots with no plot just to get the flush of comments those fics get#you just gotta do what you gotta do and let your audience find you. recontextualizing the relationship helps a LOT#i already was big on focusing on the meta plot of my works because as i said. 15+ years. had a lot of time to experiment and get good#but i still had to like. give myself the same pep talk 2 years in about how to view that relationship#everyone goes through it and if they say they don't they're a liar and i mean that seriously 🤣
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How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.
#nights are really hard for me#mornings are also really hard for me#I think my jobs burning me out#and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all#I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake#I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point#do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it?#so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again#which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal#your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room#you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day#you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive#it’s too much#but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder#I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working#I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become#too flaky or something#I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain#I wish my heart would just stop some times#my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up#I’m disappointed I woke up again#I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going#my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down#I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to#wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me#I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this#I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster#there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself#this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have#I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m
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mamma mia two here we go again has lied to me one again (changed the lyrics to make me think that abba song was originally a parent talking to their child)
#WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY LOVE MY LIFE IS BREAKUP SONG ?? NOT A WOMAN SINGING ABOUT HER LOVE FOR HER CHILD AND HER MOTHERS LOVE FOR HER ??#i was like looking at abba spotifiy profile bc i was making a playlist and wanted to add slipping through my fingers and i remembered#when i heard the og iv been waiting for u and was so suprised they changed the lines but when i saw my love my life i was like this was#originally from a parent abt a child tho right. listened to it and nope ! most heartbreaking breakup song ever heard#im so lucky i didnt try to listen to the original in september though oh my god i wouldve actually killed myself#like im not joking.#like dont ask me what the path i actually took is like bc idk but yk the branching patch to the happy castle and the scary one meme#thts me in september if i had heard doomsday by lizzy mcalphine then vs if ihad heard the og my love my life then#doomsday is also heartbreaking but it would have made me realise im justified in and should feel anger at [EX BSF] yk. yay.#also to take this post back to what it was originally abt i think the recontextualization of the i know i dont possess you line#is actually smth i rly like. like hearing it in the og context its just heartbreaking but in the context of mamma mia two#making the song abt the love for your child just makes it feel so loving and sweet like knowing you child is more than just an exctention o#you and loving them fully yk. idk . sorry for getting emotional over mamma mia two here we go again. will happen again#flappy rambles
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